Almost? ...Not Yet?

I'm down to my last two exams. The first of the remaining is at 3:10 and the second at 6:00.

I always get to exams, the last one to study for in particular, and think or evaluate what my best really is. I get to that last one I have to study for and I get about half way through the material and I think, "I'm tired, exhausted, very little of this is sinking in, I gave up caring about two hours ago, and yet I have so much more to do" What is my best? Is it really that point of exhaustion? ...Should it be?

My stress comes from the fact that I get the exam back and find out how I did and regardless of whether or not it is what I expected to do, I always wonder if I could have done better (of course, being significantly more rested at that point, I usually conclude that I could have). There is nothing left that I can do at that point. I am forced into contentedness.

I've felt this way enough for it to influence my present behavior (yes, we did talk about this at some point in the semester, I can't remember if it was information on the midterm or the final or even what class it really was) but I now push myself more than I ever have before. I can do more papers, I can proof them one more time, I can do all the reading for all the classes (approximately 4500 for my four classes), I can get those papers graded on length to the maximum even tho its not that much more than if I come just a bit short, I can do... push... stay up later, wake up earlier, do just a little bit more... Then it will be my best.

I wish I could find out what my best is. Then I would know how far I have to go in order to get there. Not that I would settle, I don't care how far away my best is, just so I know. I hate seeing an 88 and wondering if a 89 or 90 would have been my best. If that is the case, then I didn't do as much as God had called me to do, I came short. ...again. I was almost. ...But not quite. Jesus meets us where I am...did I make it to that point? These things haunt me. Some days, yes, they keep me up at night...laying in bed awake, I wonder, 'Should I be reading, proofing, studying...' I take Sunday off to rest and my mind races about the load I have to carry for that week.

And it's not like I'm taking all that many classes. On the average week, I do have time to spend with family and friends - both on the weekends and during the week. I am able to go and have coffee with my mom, shopping for Christmas (I am nearly done at the moment), and I have time to fill in and do random acts of kindness and take the weekend off to go to Chicago. I just also wonder, constantly during the last few weeks of the semester, if the best that I am doing at this exact moment in time, is truly the best I am able to do. And deeper yet, if it is the best act of worship I can give God in my human, defaulted, and depraved state. If it is not, I fear I do not know what it is.

Oh, that paper that I ended up double spacing instead of single spacing, I got a 92 on it. Looking back I think I'm satisfied and am happy with the grade because I know I was exhausted at the end. I was however, hoping for a 95. The intensity of my exhaustion is currently the definition I have of whether or not I did my best.