So Confused

I have a question that, in answering, will hopefully clear up some confusion I have.

So on Christmas day, this Nigerian fellow boarded a plane bound for Detroit. How he got there is a mystery. In this post-September 11 world that we live in, when he arrived at the ticket counter, he had no passport and an older Indian fellow vouched for his identity. This is after one of the September 11 Terrorists also boarded a plane without any Identification at all. This is my question that will clear up some confusion: how is it that someone can board a plane without identification? ...Or at that, an international flight, without a passport? And then, on top of this, how can we expect that newer, tougher security measures will keep us any safer when we don't even check someone's identification when they board the plane? This Nigerian fellow who boarded this plane was on the 'watch' list, not yet deemed to be on the no-fly list, but still, how would the ticket counter people know this if he had no identification when he first checked in? So anyone, on the no-fly list or not, can fly as long as they don't bring Identification with them when they check in at the ticket counter.

So I fly to Boston on Sunday, to bring ID or not to bring ID? And to go one step farther, to renew my passport next year or not? Maybe I'll save the money and just not.

Tis the Season

The Godhead had so much love inside it's community that it overflowed into creation and into us, whether we are believers or not. So full of Love in fact, that despite the fact that creation turned away, Love still overflowed.

There is a lot of controversy about the consumerism of the Christmas season in the Christian communities across the nation. Rightly so, it is easier and easier each year to loose sight of the real meaning of Christmas. So let me take you inside my head as I stroll the hallways of the mall decked out with holiday sales and as I dash off here and there to get everything done.

I am overjoyed as I walk the mall, Don is too, as we shop for Christmas. We realize that have been given the greatest gift of all - that Love is still in the Trinity and that that love overflows into our lives, and thankfully in the same way, the lives of many of those around us. We give - and we are so happy and grateful to give - in remembrance of that gift.

I know that as I walk the mall, I think about what these people on my list mean to me and what I think they would like. The gifts I purchase are not simply empty items on the list they've given me, but they are things that I have seen and thought of them. Out of this, my love for them over flows and is seen, hopefully. It is the idea that I thought of them as I purchased and gave them that gift.

I do that because I believe as Christ hung dying on the cross and purchased our gift of everlasting life, that is what he thought of.

I have friends that are relatively relentless about their disgust over commercialism during December. I have friends that are frustrated that they are no longer wished a 'Merry Christmas'. I have friends that probably refuse to give gifts on Christmas day. I fit into some of those categories but I think that in the protest of the traditions (both pagan and not) they also loose sight of the opportunity to give. We have a great opportunity that the world has presented us with. This is the season of giving, no matter what we call it. As Christians, let us talk openly with those around us about that tradition, the tradition of giving.

And just to be transparent, Don and I save all year to give during this season and throughout the year, not including the tithe that we give weekly. We also spend less than 10% of that on giving gifts to ourselves.

Almost? ...Not Yet?

I'm down to my last two exams. The first of the remaining is at 3:10 and the second at 6:00.

I always get to exams, the last one to study for in particular, and think or evaluate what my best really is. I get to that last one I have to study for and I get about half way through the material and I think, "I'm tired, exhausted, very little of this is sinking in, I gave up caring about two hours ago, and yet I have so much more to do" What is my best? Is it really that point of exhaustion? ...Should it be?

My stress comes from the fact that I get the exam back and find out how I did and regardless of whether or not it is what I expected to do, I always wonder if I could have done better (of course, being significantly more rested at that point, I usually conclude that I could have). There is nothing left that I can do at that point. I am forced into contentedness.

I've felt this way enough for it to influence my present behavior (yes, we did talk about this at some point in the semester, I can't remember if it was information on the midterm or the final or even what class it really was) but I now push myself more than I ever have before. I can do more papers, I can proof them one more time, I can do all the reading for all the classes (approximately 4500 for my four classes), I can get those papers graded on length to the maximum even tho its not that much more than if I come just a bit short, I can do... push... stay up later, wake up earlier, do just a little bit more... Then it will be my best.

I wish I could find out what my best is. Then I would know how far I have to go in order to get there. Not that I would settle, I don't care how far away my best is, just so I know. I hate seeing an 88 and wondering if a 89 or 90 would have been my best. If that is the case, then I didn't do as much as God had called me to do, I came short. ...again. I was almost. ...But not quite. Jesus meets us where I am...did I make it to that point? These things haunt me. Some days, yes, they keep me up at night...laying in bed awake, I wonder, 'Should I be reading, proofing, studying...' I take Sunday off to rest and my mind races about the load I have to carry for that week.

And it's not like I'm taking all that many classes. On the average week, I do have time to spend with family and friends - both on the weekends and during the week. I am able to go and have coffee with my mom, shopping for Christmas (I am nearly done at the moment), and I have time to fill in and do random acts of kindness and take the weekend off to go to Chicago. I just also wonder, constantly during the last few weeks of the semester, if the best that I am doing at this exact moment in time, is truly the best I am able to do. And deeper yet, if it is the best act of worship I can give God in my human, defaulted, and depraved state. If it is not, I fear I do not know what it is.

Oh, that paper that I ended up double spacing instead of single spacing, I got a 92 on it. Looking back I think I'm satisfied and am happy with the grade because I know I was exhausted at the end. I was however, hoping for a 95. The intensity of my exhaustion is currently the definition I have of whether or not I did my best.